Sunday, June 03, 2007

The worst pain a parent can feel

I know I seem to be in post mode and have posted 3 in the last 2 days. I will slow down again soon, just lots of stuff on my mind lately.

To all of you momma's (and poppa's) out there with young kids this is a public service announcement. ONE DAY YOU DD OR DS WILL GET THEIR HEART BROKEN.....AND IT WILL BREAK YOURS WITH EQUAL AMOUNTS OF PAIN.

When DS was in 10th grade he started dating his first really serious girlfriend. She was a sweet girl and DS was in love. Being the skeptical adult I am I figured this would last a few months and then they would each find someone better and move on. I was so wrong. I used to have to walk away so I wouldn't giggle in their face when they would sit and talk to me and superhubby with DS's arm around K's shoulder. They looked so young and like they were trying to look older. Fast forward 2 years and it was getting close to DS's graduation and he had a bad case of Senioritis (any parent with kids this age know that seniors have some weird disease that makes them know everything and care about very little.) He wasn't treating K very well. He would forget to call her, she would come over and he would kind of ignore her. Finally she did what she should have and broke off the relationship. It took DS about a week to figure out he screwed up big time and then it was too late. K wasn't about to sit around and get hurt again and there was someone else in the picture. The next 3 months were the most painful and scariest months of my parenting life. DS was beside himself with pain. He would walk around and cry, throw things at trees and sit up all night sobbing and cursing himself for screwing up so bad. There were times he would be upset and take off running down the road and run for miles, crying as hard as he could the entire way. I would get to work and DD would call and say he was having a meltdown and she was scared for him. There were nights I sat up all night because I was afraid of what he would do to himself. K would call every week or so to tell him she still loved him but wasn't ready to come back, and then it would start all over. Superhubby and I felt like we couldn't do anything for him. I remember being a teenager and I knew that no matter how many times I told him the pain would eventually get better he didn't believe it at that time. I knew that at his age he could not picture ever being happy again. I also knew that time would heal everything even if he didn't think so. It took months before he was better and even then he was just waiting until she was ready to come back. When I was in high school I was friends with a boy I'll call D. D had a lovely girlfriend who was as sweet as he was. One night D stole a bicycle out of someones yard because some kids dared him to. He was so worried about his girlfriend breaking up with him over stealing that bike that he went home and blew his brains out. Everytime one of my kids get the least little upset over a boy/girlfriend that enters my mind and I can't get it out. Why oh why D did you think that was the answer? Would my son feel the same way?

Fast forward another year and K is still with the boy who was waiting for her and DS has a new girl in his life. I hope he doesn't fall too fast this time, my heart can't take it.


kim said...

Oh Katy, how horribly sad for you to have lost your friend in a way that haunts you still. Even though you did not ask, here is what I think. Without "knowing" anybody involved, I still think there was more to D's situation than just being scared of losing his girl. I also think that you and Superhub are excellent parents to DD and DS, and the scenario that happened with D would not repeat itself with your kids because of your parenting. I think that, painful as it was for all of you to witness, it was GOOD for DS to be able to show his emotions and get them out, rather than stuffing them all inside because he isn't comfortable enough with his own family to show them. Ya know? But, I also know that as a Mama who lost a friend in that way, you will worry. When you're a Mama, you never stop worrying, even when your "kids" are 31 and 38! Ahem...wonder WHO we're talking about now...

Monkling said...

I'd tend to agree with Kim on that past experience you had. There probably was way more to the story than him being afraid his girlfriend would break up with him.

Far as our kids dating, yeah I'm with ya. There are times being a parent rots. It is just so painful to watch them go through something and know there's not a damn thing you can do to make them feel better. But, then, we're such great parents that of course our kids will be fine no matter what comes their way. (Where's a smiley face when ya need one??)

Ann Marie said...

OMG.. my heart was in my throat the entire time I was reading that. I learned something new this week.. it is kinda boring but it makes sense.
The frontal lobe is not finished growing until around 25 and it is the first defense of rational thought and feelings. Which means when we are teenagers we tend t over react.. whether it be in love or anger or fear.. makes sense..
I am not sure why I learned that this week.. but it came at me from two different places. Dr Phil and a book I was reading.. Nineteen Minutes which was GREAT but I WILL NOT recommend it to ANYONE. I adore this author but the content of this book was emotionally overwhelming for me and I would not tell anyone to put them through that. Due to the VA Tech tragedy maybe it is all a little raw.. maybe it because I could see the how and why behind it.. maybe because it scares me a little the my little guy never quite fits in.. as for that thought neither does my older guy.. but my older guy is a brain so he has that.. the little guy.. not so much into it.

OH GOD.. I just unloaded my emotion mess on you.. sorry..

I just wanted you to know that I understood and should have said just that. :)

Sally said...

This is my first time reading your blog and I have a teenager and a pre-teen. My teen daughter's boyfriend just broke up with her 3 days ago and she is not taking it well. She says they are still "friends" but I think she is just waiting for him to come back.