Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I am your future

One thing I have noticed about most of the mommy blogs I read is that the writers have young children. They are worried about whether their child will drool all over their new dress or dirty themselves in church. I am completely on the other end of the child cycle. When I go somewhere with my kids they worry about whether I will drool on myself or sneeze and wet myself. The others kids are worried about Dora the explorer, my kids are more MTV age, though no one in my house actually watches MTV unless its my husband hoping for a show with a girl in a bikini. He doesn't care what the show is about , but he will watch any show that has girls in small outfits and they are usually making out with guys and by guys I mean more than one. There are so many of these so called "dating" shows and he watches every one he can find. Anyway, there has to be some tips here that we mothers of older children can give you mothers of younger children that may help you in the future. Let me give it a whirl here. This may be an ongoing project because I learn new things every day.
1. Start phasing yourself out of minivans early. I didn't buy one until my kids were 13 and 15. We never went anywhere without friends and even my minivan wasn't quite big enough at times. Now 3 years later I am driving a minivan that gets the same gas mileage as a hummer to work everyday and no where else because the kids have small fuel efficient cars that we take in the evenings. The back of my van looks like a storage unit. I never take anything out I just keep adding stuff. I could live a few weeks on the clothes, snacks and pepsi in my van.
2. Everyone tells you to start saving for college when your kids are young. That is a great idea if you can do it. The real problem no one mentioned to me was to start saving for cars and car INSURANCE while they are in diapers. We used to pay car insurance every 6 months but now we pay the same per month as we used to every 6 months. We have no claims in the 21 years we have been married, but that makes no difference.
3. Though you may think at some point it will get better, the parents of those "special" kids that walked at 2 weeks, could count to 100 at a month and order their own clothes off the internet at 3 months old (with their own credit card) and will win every little miss I have a freckle on my butt contest they enter just gets worse. I will never forget listening to little miss Special K's mom tell me early in their senior year of high school that her daughter is being fought over by different medical schools because they all want her so bad. I have seen little miss Special K's grades in the past and while they aren't horrible, a B- average does not make people fight over you. That and the fact that the only chemical equation little K can figure out has to do with the bleach she smears on her black roots once every few months. Last I heard a few months ago was that little K was fearing an unwanted pregnancy and contemplating marriage to her 18 year old beau. Don't get me wrong, I wish the best for Special K and hope she does go to medical school. She may be the one to cure cancer for all I know.
4. If at all possible talk to your doctor about the possibility of a partial lobotomy. Not for the kids, for yourself. If you have any memory of yourself from the ages of 15 to about 21 you do not need to remember the things you did when your kids are headed out for the evening...enough said.
5. Be careful what you wish for. When I was younger I wished and wished for a bigger chest. I finally got what I wanted but my butt grew twice as fast and now nothing is right anymore. I also wished for my hair to grow. My hair will only get to about shoulder length and then it won't get any longer. I guess it breaks off as fast as it grows. My aunt once said you know when you are getting older when your hair finally slows down growing on your legs and starts on your chin. I'm not quite there yet but I have noticed a few starting. Middle age is cruel.
More on this topic later!


kim said...

Katy--This is SO freakin' hilarious, I've been doing the laugh with shoulder roll all the way through!

Now, here's the not-so-hilarious part. I--yes, ME, Kim--am YOUR future. Those chin hairs? Nothing compared to the moustache. And that big chest that looks so great in your 20s and 30s? Well, let's just say it looks great nestled on each side of the enormous, old lady navel.

Cruel? Does not even begin to cover it!!!! HAHAHAHA!

Even with all this, I still love it. Cause I could not care less, and anybody that it does bother? I kindly invite them to look elsewhere!


katy said...

Kim I just want you to know I am looking forward to the day I can tuck my chest into my pants and not worry about a bra...those things are so annoying.

kim said...

HAHAHA! Katy, you are just cracking me up! I hate bras, too...hate 'em. As soon as I'm in the door, that sucker is OFF. It is just so NOT pretty :). The nice thing is, Frank and Nancy are not judgmental-HA!

I just wanted to come back and tell you...serious, much I appreciate your kind, wonderful words. All of the thankful-ness I feel for my life? You are definitely a part of that. So, really, thank you!

Mom on Coffee said...

Thanks so much for the birthday wishes. Your post seems so very appropriate for today, I am a year older and a year closer to boobs down to my knees! Good Times!

Anonymous said...

OH. MY. HECK. I am so with you on this one!