Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Dear Deer.....

Dear Deer,
I thought I would write you a quick little letter to explain a few "facts of life." Tonight when I decided to drive to town I saw 18 of your closest cousins standing in or right beside the road, within the first mile after I pulled out of the driveway. When you are standing in the middle of the road and something big with bright lights is coming at you......move. It isn't complicated, just move. There isn't any grass or yummy plants in the road anyway so why are you standing there? In case you haven't realized it yet those cousins of yours that are lying in the road, for days, aren't napping.....they just didn't move.
When I got back from town and walked outside with my dog I noticed 3 of you wandering around my yard. One buck and two does. I'm not sure what you were doing in my yard but since it is November and both does were smiling (and was that a cigarette I saw you trying to light mr. buck?) I'm pretty sure I know what you are doing. Please remember that while it is November and I know that there is one thing you all love to do in November, those men walking around with bright orange on aren't here to see a deer porn show, those aren't camera's they are carrying, they are GUNS. I notice you aren't very scared of me or my dog but we are not planning on any deer steaks, we prefer beef, but we are not the majority and a lot of people are looking forward to stocking up their freezers. I know it may be shocking but when I say they are stocking up their freezers I mean with YOU. Please remember that while female deer pee turns you on Mr. Buck, those guys in the orange vests have some of that....in a bottle.
Even though the Santa gig has been going well for some of you no one really believes that all of the deer around here are needed by the big guy and his little helpers. I'm thinking I would be coming up with some backup plans for the next few weeks. Do you have any frequent (flyer)flier miles you could cash in and maybe head for somewhere safer....New York city maybe? I bet you could get a short term gig standing by a sled somewhere eating hay and waiting on Santa to listen to 4396 kids a day tell him what they want for Christmas.
If you decide to disregard my letter could you at least not stand in front of my car.....or bleed all over my yard?
Your friend,


Monkling said...

Okay, this had me laughing out loud. However, I don't think I want those deer coming to town. I'm having a hard enough time keeping the stupid dog off the front lawn, much less a deer.

katy said...

They are just driving me nuts lately. Everywhere I go they are standing in the road or right beside the road so you spend half the time just slamming on the brakes or dodging them. They are so in love right now they don't see the danger either.

Kellan said...

This was so funny!!! The frequent flyer miles - HA. They are just crazy, aren't they - these wandering deer? See ya.

kim-d said...

Dear Katy:

I am bigger than you and I have antlers that you don't have and now is high time for me to seek out a little doe lovin', so...I will do whatever I want. Including, but not limited to:
standing in front of your car, jumping onto the hood of your car, and then bleeding all over your yard. You can't stop me. Raspberries to you; now where's my doe.

Not your Friend,

The Deer in Your Yard

katy said...

Dear_Kim d(eer lover)
On behalf of deer everywhere I thank you for standing up for us. If you are ever in Ohio let me know and I will pass along the message to my friends to stay out of the road for you...
Do you have a place in your heart for a nice dark haired buck with big antlers....you know what they say about big antlers.